Telling Adopted Kids that They Are Adopted: WHY DO IT AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE?

The earlier the adopted kids know that they are adopted, the lesser the damage will be. 

There are various reasons why some families, couples or singles decide to adopt a child to become their own. They could be wanting to give a home to more kids, so they will feel loved and cared for. A reproduction issue could be present between the couple, so they could not produce an offspring together. Some people who have decided to embrace singlehood choose to adopt one or more kids to nurture and protect in their lives. And beyond these, there are other personal reasons out there.

What many adoptive parents get wrong about is keeping the adoption story from the adopted kids making them believe that they are their biological children. Doing that may not be a problem in the beginning, but it will absolutely be as years go by, and the long-term consequences are arduous. Similarly, revealing the truth when it’s quite late, when they are grown-ups or adults already, is also a big mistake that many adoptive parents regret. 

“They will get hurt,” or “They might hate us,” some adoptive parents would say because not many people understand how important it is to tell the adopted kids about their adoption at a very young age. It might not be easy, but this is better than being overdue.

If you are an adoptive parent who has not yet revealed to your baby or young kid that he/she is adopted, or if you are somebody thinking to adopt a child soon, bear in mind to tell them about their adoption as early as possible. Why? Keep reading. 

1 – SOME KIDS CAN UNDERSTAND NO MATTER HOW YOUNG THEY ARE.

Many adoptive parents say that these kids will not be able to comprehend yet if the adoption is revealed to them since their minds are still young. They are afraid that they might misinterpret, get sad or become distant from them. These emotions might arise, and being sensitive and prepared is important for the parents, yet you have to be aware that the kids might also be calm upon knowing it. Really, the reactions might be different from what you expect, so you need to be in total readiness.

Do not underestimate kids because lots of them nowadays can already understand the concept of family and some relevant matters of life. It’s surprising and not even an exaggeration. Many young ones are already aware about the things happening around them, especially at home. This is why many parents get shocked at the incredible knowledge and abilities of their children even at an early age. According to Very Well Family, a study shows that when the kid turns 3, it’s the ideal time to talk to them that they are adopted.

Furthermore, some young kids can fathom their feelings about certain topics and can react to them in unique but precise ways. They grow and develop swiftly. Newborn babies nowadays already open their eyes upon birth when in the earlier times, that’s very rare. Constantly assuming that the adopted kids will not cognize if you tell them the truth will stretch out the keeping of what they must truly know. 

Of course, you will see or you will notice when the kid is already able to listen, so you will know how early is the “early” that you must admit it. If you need assistance and advice about revealing to your young adoptive kid about it, you may seek counselling. 

2 – YOU WON’T BUILD A NEGATIVE NOTION ABOUT ADOPTION. THEY WILL APPRECIATE IT.

Keeping secrets can be dangerous because it means keeping truths that can make or break a life. Many adoptive parents do this because they think that the child will be hurt and unaccepting and that the family will be wrecked if the truth is uncovered. 

But you know what? That just makes adoption look and feel like it’s something completely negative. Indeed, many adoptive children find it hard to accept the truth when they are already teenagers or adults, and that’s because the secret was hidden from them for a long period of time. “Did they hide it from me because I was thrown away?” “Was I born out of an accident?” “Is my life a mistake?” If you don’t tell the child early, you are building in their lives a bad notion about adoption. You are unawarely creating the idea that adopted kids are kids welcomed by new people because they are unwanted and forsaken by their true parents. 

Openly talking to your young teenybooper about adoption makes it a normal thing that they will not be ashamed of as they grow up. When you take it positively, you will help them do the same. That will enable them to trust you more and ask you freely and unhesitantly about their identity. 

What’s more, they will be able to see and appreciate the beauty of adoption. It will make them realize that adoptive kids are adopted not because they are unloved but because they deserve more love. In the future, they themselves might want to adopt a child because they see how amazing and heartwarming it is. Moreover, they will become an inspiration and an encourager to adoptive children who feel like their adoption is something to be embarrassed of. 

3 – THEY WON’T SEE THEIR LIVES AS A LIE AND YOU AS THE LIAR.

In dramas and movies, when adopted teenagers or adults find out the truth, they get mad at the people who hid it from them. They say that their whole life is a lie, and that the parents they grew up with are liars. This typically happens in fictional stories for sure, but this exists in real life too. 

Telling adoptive kids that they are adopted is being honest with them and with yourself. You are not hindering them from their right to know about this vital information about their identities. 

When you do this while they are still young, you will prevent that above-mentioned storyline that happens in dramas. You are not only helping them understand themselves but also creating a good and trustworthy relationship with them.

These adoptive kids will never think and feel that they have been fooled and lied to. You will not be a liar in their eyes. This is one of the ways how many adoptive parents are able to raise their adopted children with great personalities and tight relationships that even after knowing that they are adopted, they choose to be with them no matter what.

4 – THEY WON’T GET LOST IN THE MIDDLE IF IN THE BEGINNING, THEY ALREADY KNEW.

The quote “Better late than never,” does not apply in this life case. When you keep prolonging the concealing of the truth, you are getting later and later that “never” might even look better. 

If adopted kids learn about their reality at a very young age, they learn it from the very beginning. The starting point is always the best start because it’s the right place and time to begin building the kids’ identities. 

People say old habits are hard to break, and like that, the “truth” that these kids grow up with will be difficult or impossible to break. That’s why it is very crucial that in the beginning, when everything is a clean slate and no lies at all are made, the honest truth must be clear to them. 

Discussing it builds these kids’ life stories properly. They will know that it’s their own real life that they are living with and not the life you simply narrate to them. They won’t get lost in the middle if in the beginning, they already knew. Chances that they will get depressed and enraged are low if you tell them while they are still very young and without an established identity yet out of what they are made to believe.

You are helping them grow well with the truth and not with a lie or with an incomplete account. By the time they are able to fully grip the full story, they have the real details they need, so regardless if they want to know who their biological parents are or not, they won’t be emotionally ruined and clueless. Instead, you will be able to aid and guide them whatever their decision would be. At the same time, they will be happy that you did not hold back from them their right to know who they are.

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EARLY REVELATION

The revelation will obviously be challenging in many aspects, but it is necessary. This is one of the things that makes adoption a tough choice for adopters.

Adopting a child to be part of your family is a huge and life-changing decision — for yourself, for your existing family and for the child about to be adopted. If you are planning to take this journey, take it seriously, and get your whole being ready. 

Adoption lawyers, counsellors and psychotherapists are available to assist you if you are planning to obtain legitimate custodianship of an infant or a kid that does not directly come from your own flesh and blood. Lawyers will help you search for an adoption company if necessary, will work on all legal documents to be filed, and if needed, will represent you in court.

Are you a soon-to-be adoptive parent? Maybe you already are one? Make sure that you know the new chapter that you are stepping into, so you can be the best parents to the kids you want to keep as your own forever.

Credits:  “Nicole Ann“

 “Nicole Ann Pore is the writer of this content.”